In the world of funny jokes, there’s one category that’s way funnier and way cuter than the rest. Have any guesses? Well, of course, it’s a sure shot as we can all agree that those jokes definitely, absolutely, obviously are animal jokes. Same as the animals themselves – curious, hilarious, and adorable – these cool jokes will most likely make you go ‘awww’ and ‘hee haw’ at the very same time. Dare to disagree? Then check out our collection of the very best animal jokes without succumbing to the charms of the fauna and without losing your socks writhing in joy. If you do succeed in avoiding these expressive matters, though, then we congratulate you on being the most imperturbable person on the face of the Earth.
Anyhoo, why don’t we talk about the cuteness of these awesome jokes and the animals themselves a bit more? Talking about round, fluffy, squishy, and peculiar beings is, after all, one of our favorite things to do! So, no need for high-stakes betting on the topics discussed in these hilarious jokes, for there will definitely be sharp-clawed kittens, snotty-nosed puppies, beady-eyed field mice, smooth-skinned piglets, and sharp-toothed crocodiles who promise to see you after a while. And if these animals are too regular for your taste, then how about some adorable jokes on aye-ayes, pink fairy armadillos, and ocelots? We sure do have some of those, too!
But, before we get a prominent toothache from listing the sweetness you are about to witness with your eyes and your heart, why don’t we go to the actual animal jokes just a bit further down? Once you are there, give your generous vote for the funniest (or the most charming) of them all, so they will proudly take their spot at the top of this list. Once this step is fulfilled, share these clever jokes with your friends. That is, if you wish to see them turning into mush from this cotton candy sweetness of animal jokes.
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“My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.” – Matt Fernandez
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
“A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.” – Jay Leno
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” – Norie Bloom
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator!
“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.” – Rita Rudner
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and rollover. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
“I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.” – Reid Faylor
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?
Wheeeeeeeee.
What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador!
What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
Firequackers!
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”
Snake 1: Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don’t know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
“Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?” – Steve Smith
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
How are a cat and a sentence different?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie!
You would think that taking off a snail’s shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. Buildings can’t jump.
“It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake.” – Roy Blount
A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll!
An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why did you do that?” …… “Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun,” the elephant said. “Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?” “Well I have turtle recall,” replied the elephant.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
“Dam!”
What’s the first thing you should do if a bull charges you?
Pay him!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
Why do birds fly south in the Fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Why are cats so good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
Because it came out of the pen.
What kind of jungle cat is no fun to play games with?
A cheetah.
I lost my dog today, So put an ad in the paper. Bob: What good would that do? My dog can’t read!
What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?
A pie-thon!
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?” – Shirley Brown
Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?
“I believe I am koala-fied for this position.”
They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat — but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
This report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: “Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance.”
What day do chickens fear the most?
Fry-days.
What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?
Shear madness.
What type of market should you never take your dog to?
A flea market!
If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!
Why is a bee’s hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honey comb!
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cow.
Cow who?
Cow’s don’t “who” they “MOO.”
What was the goal of the detective duck?
To quack the case, of course.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What is the best way to cook a gator?
In a crock-pot.
What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?
Swimming trunks!
What did the leopard say after finishing a delicious meal?
“That hit the spot!”
Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby. Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?” He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
A pony went to see the doctor because it couldn’t speak. “I know what’s wrong,” said the doctor. “You’re a little horse!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
No, Kanga-roo!
A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull’s nose. Intrigued, she asked, “Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born that way?”
How much money does a skunk have?
One scent!
What kind of math do owls like?
Owlgebra.
Why are fish so good at watching their weight?
Because they have lots of scales!
Why shouldn’t you play basketball with a pig?
Because it’ll hog the ball!
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class?
“Why the long face?”
What do fish do at football games?
They wave.
What do cats have for breakfast?
Mice Crispies!
What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant?
A gi-ant!
What’s the smartest animal?
A fish because they stay in schools!
Why did the whale cross the street?
To get to the other tide.
Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted?
His qualifications were completely irrelephant.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Where do orcas hear music?
Orca-stras!
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can’t remember the words.
Why are dogs like phones?
Because they have collar IDs.
How do horses stay in such great shape?
They keep a stable diet.
Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted.
Where do fish sleep?
On a water bed.
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being a-moosed!
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries!
What kind of snake would you find on a car?
A windshield viper!
What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam
What happened when the frog’s car broke down on the side of the road?
It gets toad away.
Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?
She got too jumpy!
Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation?
She only had a little trunk.
Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight.
Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is black, white, and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin!
What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?
You’re purrr-fect for me.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
I don’t know, but you can step in a poodle.
What’s black and white and blue?
A depressed zebra.
There were 10 cats in a boat, and one jumped out. How many are left?
None, because they were copycats.
Why are tigers, terrible storytellers?
Because they only have one tail.
Where are fish in orbit?
In trout-er space.
Why do cows go to New York?
To see the moosicals!
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” – Alex Baze
What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they play in black-and-white.
What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
Big ones!
What do you get when you cross a hammock and a dog?
A rocker spaniel!
Why are elephants never rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes?
A Chi-ha-ha!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house.
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